Tuesday 26 July 2016

Not dead yet!

I haven't blogged here for a little while - it suddenly occurred to me this morning that if anyone who doesn't know me in real life has been reading my updates, they might just put 2 and 2 together and get 5 and assume the worst has happened.   But... I'm not dead yet!  Nor am I nearly dead in any way shape or form.  I am absolutely fine - I started to feel like I was boring people by blogging every day, so took a small break from it, but now I feel like putting some more of my thoughts etc out there, drivel or not.  So perhaps a crisis of blogging confidence.

Also, I have been busy, there is quite a lot to report since I last posted.  

I had an echocardiogram on 15th July, and an Exercise Tolerance Test where the cardiac nurses tried to kill me with exercise.   I did feel like I was dying at the end, but not for any heart-related reason.  I managed 9 minutes on the treadmill, with the speed and incline going up every couple of minutes.  I was proud of myself for keeping going - it was scary as I was afraid that something bad could happen, like a bit of angina, or even worse another heart attack.  But everything seemed to pass smoothly.  I was very disgruntled by the fact that they couldn't tell me anything at all about how I'd done, or what they found on the echocardiogram, as I was expecting more information to be forthcoming, but that has to wait until I see the consultant on 19th August. 

In the meantime I've been allowed to start on the cardiac rehabilitation programme.  I had my pre-assessment today, and had to give my consent to being made to exercise twice a week for 5 weeks.  I start the actual programme next Wednesday.  

In many of my earlier posts I think I mention twinges and the psychological worries that occur when you get any kind of pain between your chin and your belly button.  I had an adventure to A&E last Friday after the twinge in my shoulder that I've had a few times before persisted, and I couldn't be sure it wasn't heart related.  As my anxiety levels were soaring I decided (with help from S) that going to A&E and getting checked out was the best way forward.  So I had a heart trace done, bp checked - it was high but I was feeling anxious so they let me off.  The trace was fine, and they examined my shoulder and I have a 'wear and tear' injury to the joint. It has a very long name, but that is basically the crux of it.  The good news is all of those twinges I was having are from that, and are not heart related.  I felt a bit of a hypochondriac as normally that level of pain wouldn't get me near a doctor, but I couldn't take the risk.  Thankfully the doctor at the hospital agreed I had done the right thing, and equally thankfully, despite it being late on a Friday afternoon with York Races going on, A&E was relatively quiet.

So basically I am doing fine, things are progressing.  The biggest deal is probably that I am starting back at work on Monday, on a phased return.  I'm waiting for contact from Occupational Health which should happen in the next few days, but I have a phased return plan that I worked out with the Cardiac Rehab nurse and hopefully they will be ok with that.  I'm half looking forward to being back at work (I love my job and my colleagues basically) but half of me is a little apprehensive.  

Tuesday 12 July 2016

Plantar Fasciitis

So my lovely podiatrist confirmed that the reason I have pain in my heel is most likely due to plantar fasciitis, basically inflammation of the ligament that runs across the base of the foot.  I have had it before, really badly and this is mild in comparison, and thankfully I've caught it early.  So I am now sporting some attractive bright blue strapping on my left foot (I chose the blue strapping as it is M's favourite colour), as well as having beautifully soft looked-after feet!  

I also now have tidy eyebrows... not particularly bushy as is the fashion at the moment, and certainly not drawn on!  OMG I have such a problem with drawn on eyebrows - some seem to be drawing on really dark thick lines where their eyebrows should be and it is really distracting!  I find I talk to the brows and not the person which is really rude but I can't take my eyes off them. 

Tomorrow's activity is a trip to the Nuffield Hospital, to have my forgotten hand looked at.  I say forgotten because 3 weeks prior to the heart attack I had surgery to relieve Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in my left hand.  I was supposed to go and get it checked about 5 weeks ago, and wasn't able to make it.   Hopefully all will be well with that, but frankly it has become the least of my worries hence the forgotten tag...   Actually the scar still hurts at times but I suspect that that is normal.

Just watching politics on TV - weird times with Labour imploding, and we have a new Tory PM as of tomorrow, which will be interesting.  A female PM - I just hope that she is more compassionate and less right wing than I get the impression she is.  She certainly seems formidable - I wouldn't want to cross her and get the Theresa May Death Stare.  I wonder how things will turn out.  Will we indeed Brexit (hopefully not), will the Labour party split in two?  Will UKIP disappear now that Farage is stepping down (hopefully), and what is going to happen to our economy?  The NHS clearly needs more resources, as does the education system, but I doubt we will get that with this Tory government. 
Hey ho...

In terms of my heart - all seems quiet today and I have felt ok - still no word about the cardiac rehab, and I am going to phone up tomorrow and find out where I stand as far as starting the rehab course is concerned.  I need to have some idea so that I can plan work around it as I'll be starting back in a few weeks time - hopefully on a phased return so that I'm not back in full pelt.  I hope in the next few weeks that I can look at ways to change my working practices so that I am not rushed all the time and don't leave everything until the last minute.  Lots to do and still lots to think about - the time seems to have passed so quickly and I still have lots of plans to make and things to work out.    Perhaps more to talk about in the coming days and weeks.  



Questions questions questions...

It is fair to say that as time goes on since the heart attack I've got more and more questions.  It is true that once you leave hospital you are to a great degree, on your own.  If you want support you have to ask for it, which is something that I find really difficult - I don't want to waste people's time, and also don't want to put people out.  It seems that this is something I'm just going to have to adjust to and get used to.  So after my post on Friday, I managed to get myself just about together, I spent the rest of Friday pretty much torturing myself - why wasn't I feeling right, was it going to happen again etc etc.

Saturday and Sunday passed by quite uneventfully.  The boys had a good weekend - M got a bronze medal in his archery shoot, and they both enjoyed the karate party and got a little award to recognise them being at the club over the last year.  And we will have our pictures in the paper - there was a photo of all students at the karate club and that includes me.

I still have had a few iffy moments where I've felt scared that the twinge I've had in my arm/tummy/chest is something sinister - but it is hard to know what is anxiety driven and what is a real symptom and what is to do with the heart attack.  Not good obviously because I don't want to be stressed.

On Monday morning it was time for another blood test, as they are still titrating my dose of Ramipril up, and need to check my kidney function before increasing the dose to ensure that my kidneys are coping with it ok.  I chatted to the nurse about the anxiety, having twinges etc and she was lovely and urged me to ring them or come and see someone if I am worried - in my situation they wouldn't see it as being a nuisance.  She also sneaked a thyroid blood test on there, as I've got a sneaking suspicion that my levels are over what they should be - I could be wrong, but I wondered if that might be contributing to me feeling jittery and anxious.

But questions... what are my chances of having another heart attack, what am I likely to be able to do - will I be able to work full time again, what exercise am I allowed to do.... they are perhaps the big ones along with what is my life expectancy and things like that.  Others are things like how do the different meds work, when might doses need to be adjusted, what side effects should I just put up with.

It is hard to put all this to the back of my mind, but as I don't have a health professional on tap, that is what I must do.  Today's activities include getting my unkempt eyebrows waxed and shaped, and going to the podiatrist because I have a sore heel.   I may report back later...


Questions questions questions...

It is fair to say that as time goes on since the heart attack I've got more and more questions.  It is true that once you leave hospital you are to a great degree, on your own.  If you want support you have to ask for it, which is something that I find really difficult - I don't want to waste people's time, and also don't want to put people out.  It seems that this is something I'm just going to have to adjust to and get used to.  So after my post on Friday, I managed to get myself just about together, I spent the rest of Friday pretty much torturing myself - why wasn't I feeling right, was it going to happen again etc etc.

Saturday and Sunday passed by quite uneventfully.  The boys had a good weekend - M got a bronze medal in his archery shoot, and they both enjoyed the karate party and got a little award to recognise them being at the club over the last year.  And we will have our pictures in the paper - there was a photo of all students at the karate club and that includes me.  

I still have had a few iffy moments where I've felt scared that the twinge I've had in my arm/tummy/chest is something sinister - but it is hard to know what is anxiety driven and what is a real symptom and what is to do with the heart attack.  Not good obviously because I don't want to be stressed.

On Monday morning it was time for another blood test, as they are still titrating my dose of Ramipril up, and need to check my kidney function before increasing the dose to ensure that my kidneys are coping with it ok.  I chatted to the nurse about the anxiety, having twinges etc and she was lovely and urged me to ring them or come and see someone if I am worried - in my situation they wouldn't see it as being a nuisance.  She also sneaked a thyroid blood test on there, as I've got a sneaking suspicion that my levels are over what they should be - I could be wrong, but I wondered if that might be contributing to me feeling jittery and anxious.

But questions... what are my chances of having another heart attack, what am I likely to be able to do - will I be able to work full time again, what exercise am I allowed to do.... they are perhaps the big ones along with what is my life expectancy and things like that.  Others are things like how do the different meds work, when might doses need to be adjusted, what side effects should I just put up with.

It is hard to put all this to the back of my mind, but as I don't have a health professional on tap, that is what I must do.  Today's activities include getting my unkempt eyebrows waxed and shaped, and going to the podiatrist because I have a sore heel.   I may report back later...


Friday 8 July 2016

Twinges and other scary things...

Again, I'm afraid this is going to be another slightly negative post - I haven't had a great day today so far.  I had a crap night's sleep courtesy of an active mind, a bird in the house (thanks cats) and a cat fight outside.  I've woken up feeling a bit weak and feeble today and I'm not quite sure why.  Nothing I can completely pinpoint, but I just don't feel 100% - nothing hurts, bp and pulse are great (bp a bit on the low side - 113/66 for example, pulse around 55).  I've taken all the tablets I'm supposed to, but I just feel a bit waffy, and I don't like it.

Of course, this sets one's mind into paranoid mode, so you are constantly on the lookout for signs, symptoms that might indicate heart trouble.  I had a twinge at the top of my left shoulder, not the same ache as the pain that took me to hospital, but it was enough to send me into panic.  I literally had the GTN spray open in my hand at one point, but decided I'd wait.  I haven't tried the GTN spray yet, and if I'm honest I'm scared to.  It can give you a throbbing headache and make you dizzy, both things that I'm really not keen on - light headedness is probably my big hate, but then again it is better than another heart attack.

I tried to rest, but couldn't settle so in the end I decided being busy was perhaps the best way to distract myself, so I've done some housework, I've got the tennis on (Raonic vs Federer in the Mens' Semi Final at Wimbledon) and here I am updating this blog.  It has helped to take my mind off the fretting I was doing, so I think it perhaps was the best plan.  I feel ok, but just not as good as I have on other days.  I know that that is how life goes - even if you haven't had a heart attack you have days where you feel good and days where you feel not so good, but getting used to days where you don't feel so good in the context of having heart trouble is scary.

On a lighter note, J won the cup at school this morning and it was lovely to be able to be there to see him get it.  He was a little shocked and very pleased, no doubt he'll be asking for extra pocket money when he gets home.  I am really pleased as it was for putting great effort into all his work, especially in literacy - and over the last few days I've noticed a change and he seems to be getting the reading bug, which is great to see.  He's really progressing with his reading and writing, and seems to be enjoying it which is good.  No doubt M will be feeling hard done by because he didn't get an award today, so I'll have to deal with the fallout from that.  S is taking the boys to Energi later which is a new trampoline park that has opened in York this afternoon.  I'm really anxious about it because S is going on the trampolines as well - I can't remember the last time he did strenuous exercise, and given what has happened to me recently I'm very jumpy (*excuse the pun).  I've told him my worries and he's basically dismissed them, so thanks for that!  I'd have preferred it if just the boys went but it does look like fun so I can see why S wants to have a go.

Anyhow, tomorrow is another day and lets hope I feel better than I have at times today.  My PMA seems to have deserted me a bit at the moment, it all seems too big, scary and daunting.  Must do better....

Thursday 7 July 2016

Losing my direction

OK so this focussing on recovering and changing aspects of my life that put strain on my body and cause stress is proving harder than I thought - I'm ashamed to admit that I feel as though I have lost my way somewhat.  Always being the one driving everything, taking the initiative, and being disciplined is hard and I can't decide if I'm simply not up to the job, can't change the things I need to change because they are too deeply instilled, or need some support from somewhere.  Much as I'm inclined to believe the first and second ones of these, I think I'm going to choose support - not sure where to access that, but I need a bit of someone telling me what to do to keep me on the straight and narrow.  I think otherwise I'm at risk of frittering away this recovery time and not getting the best out of it so that I make the changes that will keep me healthy and happy.   I seem to be very good at the analysis of my situation and behaviour but not so good at setting objectives and sticking to them.  Perhaps that has always been a problem of mine - I've tried many times to lose weight, and always fell short of the target, mainly because of a lapse and then not getting straight back on with things, or not having the time to plan my meals and things.

It is hard to know exactly what to tackle and in what order.  I think at the moment though I don't feel that much has really changed.  Yes I'm a stone lighter (thanks to a fortunate side effect of some of the meds I'm on), and I am gradually increasing my activity, but not perhaps in the way that I need to.  I really feel that next week will help, when I get my exercise test and echocardiogram which will give me more information about my capabilities and how to build my strength up.

I'm finding looking after the boys quite stressful and that worries me - I feel constant pressure from them to do things for them, get things for them etc - and sometimes from all sides.  S doesn't get the same at all.  Nor does he get two boys landing on him when he sits down on a sofa to relax - whilst the cuddles are nice, sometimes I just want to sit and maybe watch something on tv.  I hate it when they argue, it is impossible to play games with them at the moment because J in particular (but M as well to some extent) is such a bad loser, and can't hack it if he doesn't get the hang of something immediately.  Sometimes I wish I could say to them ok, now we are going to do xxxx and have them both just go along with it with no argument.  No chance.

On the positive side - I've still had no definite symptoms from my heart - a couple of suspect moments but nothing that I can definitively say is something happening there.  My blood pressure is good, and I've taken every tablet I've been asked to since I was first admitted to hospital - and believe me that is a lot of pills.  Also, I am not having any reaction to increasing my activity level so far, but I'm too scared to really test myself to the point of breathlessness, which I think is perhaps what I'm meant to be doing.

I also have two extremely happy and excited boys as I have managed to get Dan TDM tour tickets for his Sheffield show on 17th September.  I wound them up by telling them it was sold out, then revealed that when I went on the website this morning at 10am it wasn't sold out, and I bought 3 tickets.  There is still one extra big surprise that I haven't told them about.  S doesn't want to come with us, so I will just have to ogle at young Dan (whilst remembering that he is young enough to be my son).

I'd better go before M sees what I've just typed - he keeps coming over and trying to read what I've written on here.  In terms of my reflections on getting over the heart attack, I will sleep on it and come to some decisions as to how to take things forward tomorrow.  Am I procrastinating?  Probably but I need to do some thinking and info gathering as well.  Hey ho...


Tuesday 5 July 2016

DRIVING away from home.....

Today I did my first driving after the heart attack - I wasn't allowed to drive for 4 weeks, as the DVLA stipulate that after a heart attack, but after that you are fine to drive.  Of course, not doing things by halves, I planned an epic journey to IKEA and Costco to do some shopping.  OK not the most interesting trip but I have missed getting out just to do my own shopping and just generally having a mooch round.  

As is normal for these things, I managed to spend £62 in IKEA on storage boxes, plastic bags, pens and paints (that we didn't really need), and got some Maribou Chocolate, which you seem to only be able to get from IKEA.  I also had some meatballs, but I have to say I didn't enjoy them at all, and I left most of the chips.  I know my appetite is slightly below what it was, which is a very good thing, but I also seem to have developed an aversion to eating really bad stuff like chips and sweets.  

It was just nice doing something fairly normal and boring, and getting myself back (literally) into the driving seat.  Actually I was a bit apprehensive beforehand, but once I got going it was completely fine.  Tomorrow's plan is to go up to York to look for birthday presents for M, he wants a replica FC Barcelona 16-17 Home kit, and some goalkeeping gloves.  

I have started reading a book on stress management - for some reason I'm finding it hard to force myself to try relaxation techniques, like meditations and listening to the cd that the cardiac rehab nurse gave me.  I think that I feel a bit silly doing stuff like that so I feel a bit self conscious, but I guess I need to grow up a bit and realise it is for my own good.  I'm also nervous about exercising - I really need those supervised sessions to get going, but I don't have a date for those as yet.  So far, much of what I have read is about the effects of stress, not really how to deal with it and how to adapt so that you don't get stressed to the point where you have a heart attack!   

I know that recently I have identified two things that I do that could be adding to my stress - one is definitely overthinking things and worrying about what might happen before it happens.  I think this comes from an upbringing where I was always expected to be prepared for every eventuality - a sensible strategy in some ways, but it has perhaps led me to worry about things unnecessarily (and automatically).  The other thing is stepping in when I think my in laws need help - in a way I've got to let others get on with it to some degree, but I find it difficult when I can see things that need sorting.

It is scary how something like this affects your confidence, I find that I'm looking at things in a different light - am I, or will I be capable of doing this?  Like going trampolining with the boys - will I ever be fit enough to do that? Will I ever be able to jog/run?  Do weights? Play tennis?  And in terms of work, will I have the stamina to do my job full time?  Will I need to/be allowed to go part-time if I can't?  It is tricky when you don't really know exactly how much the heart attack is going to constrain things, and also we don't know yet how well things have recovered - I have an echocardiogram and an exercise test on 15th July which will look at how my heart is working - hopefully all will be well and I can get on with things, and putting my life back together, perhaps slightly differently to how it was, a bit more laid back and planned perhaps....

We also need to have a family holiday and at the moment I'm kind of at the mercy of hospital appointments really - I don't want to slow anything down by not being available.  Hey ho, I'm sure it will all come out in the wash... I just feel that a little more certainty in my life would be helpful, and would help me to feel a bit more secure.   

Overall though, today was a good day - I drove, I shopped and I felt fine with it.  I was out of the house for 5 hours and I don't feel too shattered afterwards.  I guess I will have done a fair bit of walking too, but I need to up the pace a bit.  I'll leave that for tomorrow.....

Sunday 3 July 2016

Troubled....

A busy weekend comes to an end - it seems to have galloped by, but in some ways I am ready for the thinking time that being off work is giving me. We have had good times and bad this weekend, but yet again more illustrations of situations where I get really stressed and need to change the way I deal with stuff.

Saturday the boys had auditions at PQA, for parts in the musical that they will be performing in London in May 2017. J dealt with it with his usual confidence - he knows he's brilliant so no need for nerves! M on the other hand was worried and teary, but both came out with big grins on their faces, so it wasn't such a bad experience.

The school Fayre was on Saturday afternoon, looked like it was a big success and very well organised. I spent way more money than intended, as the bank of Mum kept being drawn on.

The stressful stuff this weekend concerned my mother in law, with her dementia she is having spectacular delusions and hallucinations - people at the side of her bed trying to get her, 3 dead babies, several different Bobs (my father in law) and then crying for her mum (who died 60 years back) and worrying that her mum would tell her off for being late home. She was aggressive, kicking my father in law repeatedly, refusing to get up and dressed etc.  I had popped round to see what they wanted to do for lunch and I ended up lying on her bed with her trying to convince her that everything was alright and nobody was trying to hurt her. I seem to be a good calming influence on her.

We had a surprise visitor, S's older brother who came up to see his mum and dad, it was good to see him and good for him to see what his mum was like on a bad day. Despite the circumstances it was nice to see him.

What  concerns me is how I manage to end up doing exactly what I am not really supposed to be doing which is gettininvolved with my mother in law's care, and also being the one organising things. I guess the one positive was that Steve came and took over caring for mum in law because he knew I shouldn't be doing it, which got the messagetacrossthatI can't keep stepping in. I feel another call to social services coming on, to sort out some respite care. We spent the afternoon at the cinema seeing TheSecret Life of Pets - not bad but the trailers had given me veryhighexpectations and they weren't really met. I thought it was going to be more observational but it was more of adventure story. The boys enjoyed it though which was the purpose of the trip.

So another week begins with the added bonus that I am now allowed to drive, so I can go places! However I think tomorrow will be spent in the company of self help books to look at how I can deal with things better and without getting stressed. Could be a long day...

Friday 1 July 2016

Worrying developments

My post today continues from where I left off yesterday really - I am getting really concerned that I don't know how to change some of the behaviours that have led me to have a heart attack.  I've had a few worries over the last couple of days and have been unable to stop myself from getting wound up about them, and also from dwelling on them.  I've had various suggestions about how I might stop myself from fretting about things, and I guess I need to work through them.

Basically I've ended up involved in sorting out part of my mother in law's care again because I can't just leave her when I think she is suffering and she really did need checking over by a doctor, and my father in law was reluctant to take her until next week.  I just can't keep out of things - but does that mean I'm doing something wrong?   I then ended up having to go with her to the docs, and look after her while she had a blood test while my father in law popped home to get something.  Easier said than done I have to say, but I managed, but I'm sure it wasn't the best thing for my blood pressure!   I had to grab her hand to stop her from grabbing the needle because it hurt when it went in.  Good job I'm not squeamish!

Then today I've been worrying about school and what classes the boys are going to be in next year.  They keep delaying letting parents know which makes me think that there is going to be something likely to upset parents.  I'm really concerned about M, he'll be Year 5 and I think he is way underachieving because school don't challenge him and their expectations seem low to me.  I know he is capable of so much more.  I wish we were loaded so I could send him to private school sometimes, but failing that I think next year I will have to look at options for getting him some extra tuition.  I just want people to see his potential - I am not expecting him to be top of the class or anything, but I just want to see them get the best out of him, and inspire him. He is coasting and he is bored, and has no interest in schoolwork.
For J, I expect he'll probably end up staying in Class 2, because he is one of the younger ones, while the others move to class 3 with older children and a better teacher. If that happens, he'll be absolutely gutted.   I'd also like him to be moved away from a couple of children in that class who's behaviour is lets say... suspect.  Of course they are also in the younger half of the class.

We were told in a newsletter that we would be told today about the classes, but we have had no communication so far.  Rumour has it that the Head doesn't want to release it until after tomorrow's school summer fair.  I guess he wants to be well out of the way when the s**t hits the fan....  Aaarghh!

Health wise, I feel fine although I did feel stressed earlier, and I don't know what I can do to deal with it differently.  Writing about it has helped, and I know I can't do much about the school situation, but I also don't know how to switch off the worrying - and I need to learn how to do that and fast.   Any advice would be much appreciated - one thing I need to do is look at Stephen Covey's 7 habits book as one of my friends who is also a psychologist has suggested I work through something in there.  Worth a try I guess....  

On the plus side - the cats seem to be getting along a little better - still the odd hiss, but they are not stressed out by each other's presence any more.  Here's a picture taken earlier - pretty good!