Stop the world...recovery in progress

Sometimes in my little bubble it feels like life should just hang on a bit while I get my recovery time. All stress should be unable to land on me during this time and when I am better I should then emerge back where I was. But...life doesn't work like that.  Dementia in loved ones does not go away to allow one to recover from a heart attack,  and that is perhaps the biggest source of stress in my life with both mine and S's mums in the advanced stages of it. Today S's mum was having a really bad day, confused, distressed, seeing and imagining things and in terrible pain when she sat down. She has barely eaten for the last 2 weeks and now weighs less than 6 stone. A lot of the time she is unsettled and agitated, or feeling sick and barely able to stand.  Today she thought that one of the carers was trying to have her wicked way with my father in law, and also thought she had a chicken stuffed up her top. You have to kind of laugh at the bizarreness and randomness of it all, but it is really upsetting to see someone you love in that condition. Anyway I was really worried about her today because of the pain she was in, the fact that she seemed on the verge of collapse and also because my father in law seemed to think it could wait until next week. In the end I could not rest and S suggested I ring the doctor, which I did. The doc wants to see her tomorrow and also wants me to go along for the appointment, oh joy.  And I am the one supposed to be keeping out of it all! I can't leave her in pain though, and also looking so frail without getting her checked over. Does that make me my own worst enemy?

Another source of concern is school - we find out tomorrow what classes the boys will be in next year. I am hoping and praying that both boys go up a class and don't get held back because of their ages - they are both ready for a change.  Being born in June andAugust sucks because school seem to think it is ok to keep the younger ones down with the year below when they split classes and M gets really bored because particularly at the end of the school year he isn't being challenged. I hate that I feel powerless to change anything in school when I don't think it is right for the boys. The head doesn't seem to take parental concerns very seriously, or if he does there doesn't seem to be much action. 

Today has worried me a bit, it scares me that I could so easily end up back in the same position that got me to the stage when I had a heart attack. Sometimes though it is a balancing act, it would stress me more knowing that mum in law was in pain and nothing was being done about it. But I shouldn't have to be the one that acts when something is amiss, especiallynot at the moment.

 Aaarghh!

On the positive side I got some sorting out done in the house and my cats seem to be starting to get along again, maybe that means peace and harmony is restored! I watched some great tennis on tv and one of my friends got the brilliant news from her MRI scan that her cancer has shrunk to the point where it can't be seen on the scan. Way to go Ali!

Escaping the village!

Today I plotted and carried out a daring escape from the village.  I boarded the No 18 bus and headed for the giant metropolis that is the city of York.  My mission - to boldly go and investigate the sales in my favourite clothes shops, and also to call in and surprise them at work.   

Well I learned lots - firstly the bus drivers in our area are a bit crazy, hurtling down the narrow country roads at alarming speed - best not to focus on what is going on.  Second that I can actually walk a fair distance without stopping, and without feeling any discomfort whatsoever.  I must have walked at least a couple of miles, which is way more than I've done on any other day since the heart attack.   Third, the weather in this country is unpredictable and today turned out wet and cold, and I wasn't dressed for it.  Fourth,  that I don't look like someone who has recently had a heart attack.  I guess my own expectation would be that a recent heart attack victim would look grey and haggard and frail, and I don't look any of those things.  I would say that I look quite a bit healthier than I did before it happened, and my colleagues echoed that when they saw me today.  The new hair helps I guess, but I can see that I look better complexion wise.  So much so that I'm not wearing make up at all at the moment, whereas I was slapping it on before I got ill, to try and make me look vaguely human.  Perhaps I looked more like the perceived image of a heart attack victim BEFORE it happened.  I know I owe a lot to the skill and knowledge of the doctors that have treated me, and also the tablets I'm on!

I was quite moved by the reception I got from colleagues at work - I guess that it had been a shock for them to hear what had happened to me, and I was surprised by how much people had worried about me.  It was nice to talk about a few things going on at work and catch up with developments.  There is a major restructure going on within the University at the moment, so lots of comings and goings, new appointments and role changes.  There isn't much that affects me directly, and I'm looking forward to us being a School of Languages and Linguistics which will be great for everyone in the department.  Nothing against the Business School (which we were part of before the restructure) but there isn't really much synergy there, and being part of that faculty really didn't work for us - it was more like we were kind of tagged on because it fit in terms of numbers of students and staff etc and made our faculty a similar size to the others. 

It was nice seeing a couple of friends today - unplanned too.  I had lunch with one as we met in Pret A Manger.  She's been having a stressful time, and was shocked to hear what I'd been up to.  I think it does tend to put things in perspective, although I wish I wasn't the example having that effect on people.  Another friend was on the bus for both journeys so we chatted on the bus, and took our minds off the crazy driving!  I'll be glad when I can drive myself places from Sunday, although I've got to make sure that I plan things carefully so I'm leaving enough time to get places without stress.

So after my bold and daring adventures I was quite tired, so had a nanna nap when I got home, and got a nice cuddle from Ossie the cat.  She still isn't recognising her sister although things are improving - they have touched noses, although that was closely followed by a hiss and a growl just to make sure Elsa knew where she stood.   

Now I've got the tennis on and we have Marcus Willis (world number 772) playing Roger Federer, and loving it.  He is losing, and that was always going to happen, but what an amazing experience for someone who had almost given up on a tennis career prior to having this run in the qualifying and now getting through to the second round at Wimbledon.  You can see the joy in his face at what he is experiencing.  Just another example that anything is possible... Leicester City won the Premier League after all, oh and Iceland beat England in Euro 2016 (perhaps try and forget that one!).  I wonder what is possible for me in the future?  Maybe I'll run 5k one day??  Play tennis again?  Become a Senior Lecturer or more at work?  Write a book?  Sing in a choir?  Act?  One thing I do want to do is inspire my kids, and that is something that I haven't done up until now - make them proud of their mummy rather than having them wishing I was fitter, slimmer, more energetic, etc etc. 

Single handedly keeping the pharmaceutical industry in business....

Something I perhaps haven't said much about is the cocktail of drugs that you get put on after you have a heart attack.  I feel as though I am single handedly keeping a pharmaceutical company in business.  Yesterday I had to collect my repeat prescriptions from our GP surgery (living out in the sticks our GP surgery also dispenses medicines), and they were given to me in a carrier bag!!  The prescription went over 4 prescription sheets.

And there it is... my little collection of tablets...

First we have levothyroxine, which I was on before all of this, Sertraline, Zelleta (the progesterone only pill), and I also took 5mg Amlodopine for my blood pressure which was slightly raised after I had my eldest son and never came down, so they have kept me on that.  Since the heart attack they have added:

Ticagrelor (Brilique) 90mg twice a day - that is to prevent clots forming
Ramipril 2.5mg +1.25 mg twice a day - this lowers blood pressure and has other cardioprotective properties as well
Atorvastatin 80mg at night - reduces cholesterol but also prevents arteries from getting furred up.
Bisoprolol 10mg in the morning - a beta blocker, reduces blood pressure and makes the heart pump more effectively
Aspirin 75mg in the morning - reduces clotting and has other protective properties
Lansoprazole in the morning - this is to try and stop my stomach from reacting to all of the above.

I think that is it.  So I have 11 tablets to take in the morning and 3 in the evening.  All except the Ticagrelor and Lansoprazole are likely to be for life.  The Amlodipine may go, but only if they can get me on a higher dose of Ramipril.

So all this to keep me at low risk of any future heart events - a lot of tablets to take, but a small price to pay to stay well.  I'm used to taking tablets every day because I've been on thyroxine for nearly 9 years, and that is for life anyway as the part of my thyroid that has been killed off by antibodies isn't going to regenerate itself!!  (For those that are interested I have autoimmune thyroiditis (Hashimotos)).

I think what shocked me was just how quickly I was put on all the medication - I was started on all of these within a couple of days, and I was on the full dose of the beta blocker within 24 hours.  They are still trying to add in more ramipril, but that seems to be the one that I'm struggling to tolerate, mainly because of my stomach.  They want my bp as low as I can tolerate basically.

The meds have made some really big changes to my heart rate - I used to typically have a heart rate of 75-85, and now it is 50-60!  My blood pressure today when I checked it was 109/63.  When I was in hospital it was 160/100 - I'm not sure if that was a consequence of the heart attack as I don't think it was habitually that high before, except for the end of my pregnancy with J, when I had some major problems with my bp.

The statin is supposed to lower my cholesterol - it wasn't high to begin with at 4.4, but they would like it 2.5 or below, and a higher proportion of 'good' hdl cholesterol rather than the ldl cholesterol that furs up your arteries.

All that said, I'm very glad that I'm on thyroxine, as otherwise I'd be paying for all my prescriptions - and at £8.40 per item that would be a bit steep.  I could probably get a prepayment certificate that would keep the costs lower, but even so free is better.

Work Wobbles...

So last night I had my first work wobble - I'm surprised it has taken so long to be honest!  I really enjoy my job, and I had some really exciting stuff on the go before I was taken ill.  I know I am not indispensable, but also worried that people may not know exactly where I was with things before I went off.  Anyway,  after getting in a tizz about a couple of things I had started making arrangements for, I sent a couple of emails, and managed to put my mind at rest - and was kind of pleased with myself for addressing what was worrying me so quickly and directly.  I do miss work, especially my colleagues, but I also know that I'm not ready to get back just yet.   

Yesterday also saw England leave Euro 2016, after an embarrassing beating by the mighty Iceland.  Cringe! As instructed, I went upstairs and didn't watch it and thank goodness I did that as I don't think my blood pressure or stress levels would have stayed low...  I got a commentary from downstairs anyway, and then went down for the last 5 minutes and the disbelief that followed the final whistle.  Iceland!!!!  S and the boys have now switched allegiance to Wales, but I don't have the luxury of being part Welsh!

A bit of good news today was that I got my appointment for the Echocardiogram and Exercise test, and they are on 15th July, so not as long to wait as I'd feared.  I am really glad that it isn't too far off as I'm nervous about exercising, so I'm finding it hard to push myself with the walking etc.  It is nice to see that things are moving in the right direction though, so having that appointment is good.  I also rang our insurers and can drive from Sunday, which will be a big step forward.  

Slightly less good has been starting the increased dose of Ramipril.  I'm back to feeling waffy (not sure if that is a word but it expresses what it feels like!) about an hour after I've taken it, and back to having an upset tum.  On the plus side, I think I may be back to having a poor appetite again, lets hope I lose a bit more weight.  My BP is already low with all the meds I'm on, and a couple of times today I've felt a bit wobbly when I've got up - I'm not sure how low they want my bp, but I was 109/63 earlier according to my home monitor.   

I'm exploring how I can get help with stress management - a friend of mine has recently embarked on a coaching qualification, and I'm interested to see if that might be a worthwhile approach to take with this.  I don't want pressure but I think I do need some sort of guidance and someone to help me set some goals and things to aim for.  I'm also going to see if Occupational Health at work have anything that might help.  Failing that I'll buy a book... 

In other news, yesterday I got my hair done - much needed cut and colour.  It was the first time I'd had it done at home, and actually I'm really pleased with it.  I haven't styled it myself yet, which will be the big test, but at least I look vaguely human now, my hair was starting to take over! 

First a before shot taken a week ago..

and here is a shot of the new hair...

It definitely feels a lot lighter - ready for summer now, although the great British weather is not playing.  

Frustration Central....

Fed up, fed up, fed up, fed up, fed up.

The dust is starting to settle as far as Brexit is concerned and we can now see the carnage that this horrid result has caused to the UK as a whole, and also just in the way that people view each other.  I have never felt so frustrated and disappointed by a political decision - I guess I've never cared quite as much before.  It feels like the xenophobes and the racists have won, and are going to be taking charge of our country.  I read a comment that really rings true - not all OUT voters are xenophobes and racists, but all xenophobes and racists are OUT voters, so I can't blame all of the 52% for that I guess.   I am encouraged by the fact that the PM hasn't activated Article 50 to start the exit from the EU, and that over 3 million people (myself included) have signed a petition requesting a repeat referendum once we know the terms of any exit from the EU.   It is hard to believe that people would vote in the way they have if they had truly considered all the facts.   I am really struggling not to feel anger and bitterness towards anyone that voted to leave - I just can't understand why anyone could feel that Brexit was the best choice - normally I can see others' point of view, even if I disagree with it, but on this issue I can't, and it makes it hard to respect the decision.   For the first time in my life I am seriously considering going to a political rally, to protest against exiting the EU.  And in my condition.....

The other thing that is frustrating me is this whole recovery business.  I felt after I left hospital that there was a plan, that I would be home for 4 weeks R&R, then starting on a rehab programme, which I would complete before going back to work gradually.  The rehab programme was going to involve two weekly 2 hour sessions, with an hour of exercise and an hour of 'informative talk' about lifestyle management - and that there would be stress management included in that.  Now, after my appointment with the cardiac rehab nurse (who was lovely) it seems that I am coming to the end of my 4 weeks, I've just been referred to the rehab programme, and they will let me know when they have a date and can accommodate me, but there are a lot of people needing to do the programme.  Also, I need an echocardiogram and an exercise tolerance test, and according to my discharge notes, this has been booked, but I have no date for this, and apparently again there is a waiting list, and I will hear in due course when my appointment will be.   In terms of stress management, I was told to talk to my GP about doing a stress management course, and when I did she knew nothing of such a thing, and they have a counsellor that they can refer me to but there are currently 200 patients on her waiting list.  So it could be months/years before I make it to the top of that.  Her recommendation was to go private and I think that is what I'm going to have to do.  It is too important to mess up and end up in the same situation as before - I certainly don't want another holiday in the Coronary Care Unit, lovely as the nursing staff are.  I guess my frustration comes from feeling that people said things were going to happen in a certain way, and that didn't come to fruition.  I understand that the NHS is severely underfunded and demand is huge, but I'd rather that people told me the reality rather than what ideally would happen.  Also although you are the poorly one, it is you who still has to make all the decisions and a lot of the running, and in some ways I just want someone to tell me what to do at this stage.  Perhaps I'm being a bit of a baby in that respect, but hell - I've just had a bloody heart attack, surely that is allowed!!!

My other concern at the moment is how to change the things that cause me stress.  The two issues that I  have highlighted at the moment, I feel powerless to change - the only silver lining was that S did listen to me about them.  We need to come up with a plan, to make life a bit more chilled and a bit less frenetic, and where everyone's needs are treated equally, rather than me feeling like I'm at the bottom of the priority list.  Also, I do think that the kids at the moment are in charge and that needs to change, but that needs a united, consistent and sustained approach from S and I, and I am not sure whether the two of us can work together like that.  It hasn't worked before, but perhaps in this situation there is more at stake.  

Frustration Central....

Fed up, fed up, fed up, fed up, fed up.

The dust is starting to settle as far as Brexit is concerned and we can now see the carnage that this horrid result has caused to the UK as a whole, and also just in the way that people view each other.  I have never felt so frustrated and disappointed by a political decision - I guess I've never cared quite as much before.  It feels like the xenophobes and the racists have won, and are going to be taking charge of our country.  I read a comment that really rings true - not all OUT voters are xenophobes and racists, but all xenophobes and racists are OUT voters, so I can't blame all of the 52% for that I guess.   I am encouraged by the fact that the PM hasn't activated Article 50 to start the exit from the EU, and that over 3 million people (myself included) have signed a petition requesting a repeat referendum once we know the terms of any exit from the EU.   It is hard to believe that people would vote in the way they have if they had truly considered all the facts.   I am really struggling not to feel anger and bitterness towards anyone that voted to leave - I just can't understand why anyone could feel that Brexit was the best choice - normally I can see others' point of view, even if I disagree with it, but on this issue I can't, and it makes it hard to respect the decision.   For the first time in my life I am seriously considering going to a political rally, to protest against exiting the EU.  And in my condition.....

The other thing that is frustrating me is this whole recovery business.  I felt after I left hospital that there was a plan, that I would be home for 4 weeks R&R, then starting on a rehab programme, which I would complete before going back to work gradually.  The rehab programme was going to involve two weekly 2 hour sessions, with an hour of exercise and an hour of 'informative talk' about lifestyle management - and that there would be stress management included in that.  Now, after my appointment with the cardiac rehab nurse (who was lovely) it seems that I am coming to the end of my 4 weeks, I've just been referred to the rehab programme, and they will let me know when they have a date and can accommodate me, but there are a lot of people needing to do the programme.  Also, I need an echocardiogram and an exercise tolerance test, and according to my discharge notes, this has been booked, but I have no date for this, and apparently again there is a waiting list, and I will hear in due course when my appointment will be.   In terms of stress management, I was told to talk to my GP about doing a stress management course, and when I did she knew nothing of such a thing, and they have a counsellor that they can refer me to but there are currently 200 patients on her waiting list.  So it could be months/years before I make it to the top of that.  Her recommendation was to go private and I think that is what I'm going to have to do.  It is too important to mess up and end up in the same situation as before - I certainly don't want another holiday in the Coronary Care Unit, lovely as the nursing staff are.  I guess my frustration comes from feeling that people said things were going to happen in a certain way, and that didn't come to fruition.  I understand that the NHS is severely underfunded and demand is huge, but I'd rather that people told me the reality rather than what ideally would happen.  Also although you are the poorly one, it is you who still has to make all the decisions and a lot of the running, and in some ways I just want someone to tell me what to do at this stage.  Perhaps I'm being a bit of a baby in that respect, but hell - I've just had a bloody heart attack, surely that is allowed!!!

My other concern at the moment is how to change the things that cause me stress.  The two issues that I  have highlighted at the moment, I feel powerless to change - the only silver lining was that S did listen to me about them.  We need to come up with a plan, to make life a bit more chilled and a bit less frenetic, and where everyone's needs are treated equally, rather than me feeling like I'm at the bottom of the priority list.  Also, I do think that the kids at the moment are in charge and that needs to change, but that needs a united, consistent and sustained approach from S and I, and I am not sure whether the two of us can work together like that.  It hasn't worked before, but perhaps in this situation there is more at stake.  

Life goes on....

Well, today much to my dismay I woke up to the news that Britain has decided to leave the EU.  In my opinion this is a very bad decision, and I truly hope that people casting their votes did so for the right reasons, and not as a protest vote, a racist vote or because they disliked any particular politician.  I have been shocked by the level of vitriol on the internet aimed at those who voted to leave - everyone is entitled to their opinion, and whilst I wholeheartedly disagree with the outcome, I totally agree with people's democratic rights.    I would dearly love to see a repeat referendum carried out - if the outcome is the same then I would believe that it was the true will of the British people, if it was different then that would demonstrate the number of disenfranchised voters who perhaps voted one way or the other as a protest, or didn't understand the impact of the decision, or didn't think their vote was worth casting.  Also, perhaps if we now have a period without the misleading campaigning from both sides of the argument, people could see more clearly what the decision they were making was about.  Me included - of course I don't claim to know everything, but I find it really hard to understand how anyone could find a good reason for voting to leave the EU - I know it isn't perfect but surely we are better together overall.

It was sports day at school today - always a slightly strange event in my view - supposedly non-competitive but actually fiercely competitive.  You can always spot competitive mum and dad standing anxiously by the finish line...  I do think that forcing the kids to do every event is a bit harsh - there were a few children who you could see absolutely hated every second of it, and it is supposed to be a fun thing.  M struggles with it - he's not naturally athletic and has reached many of his motor milestones rather late, and in most of the events he was last or second last.  I made sure he knew that I was totally proud of him for having a go at everything and didn't care two hoots where he came in each event.  I have wondered for several years whether he has a hint of dyspraxia but never done anything about it as I don't think it holds him back a huge amount, and he doesn't really need 'help' as such so I don't think it would benefit him to have it looked at.   J fares slightly better - he's more co-ordinated, and very similar to his peers in his motor skills.  He did pretty well in the sack race which was always M's nemesis in Key Stage 1.

So, these two things were kind of good in a way for taking my mind off being a heart patient.  I'm still feeling a tad deflated that I don't have a plan as such.  My friend H thinks that I need a coach to perhaps initially tell me what to do, and help me with some short and long term objective setting.

Health wise - I saw the GP this morning to get the results of my kidney function tests - these are to check that my body is coping ok with all the drugs that they have thrown at me - particularly the ACE inhibitor Ramipril.  As my kidneys are coping fine, they are increasing the dose a small amount as they want me on a bigger dose in the end so that I can benefit from the cardioprotective properties of the drug.  Hopefully I will feel ok - bp is quite low at the moment and I don't want to feel like I'm going to fall over when I stand up.  I also asked about stress management programmes and she didn't appear to have a clue what I was talking about - the cardiac rehab nurse had said to ask my gp about what support could be offered to me to help me learn to cope with stress better.  They have a waiting list of 200+ patients needing support for stress and anxiety in our GP practice, so I will be waiting a very long time if I go down that route.  Perhaps private is the way forward - or something via Occupational Health at uni.  I definitely don't want to have another heart attack and unless I do something to address how I manage stress I won't feel that I've done everything in my power to prevent another one.

I'm still getting loads of people asking me about my heart attack on the school run, it has been so lovely to see how much support there has been for me, and for that I am really more grateful than people will ever know.  It has been a tough time for me, and just being asked and wished the best has made a huge difference.  If anyone that knows me in real life is reading this, Thank You.

Rehab!

So, after what seemed like a long wait the day of rehab finally arrived...  I had perhaps built this up in my mind as the day that the second stage of my recovery begins. I was also expecting to be told what to do a lot, and I kind of wanted that. Someone to say to me "ok Leesa,this is what you are going to be doing....on Monday etc etc." Instead I got lots of things to think about and choose between.

So, I have opted to do the cardiac rehab programme at York Hospital, which is 2 hours, twice a week, and includes an hour of exercise preceded or followed by an informative talk.  I need to pay attention to my diet, but she suggests it isn't my top priority, the main things are tolerating the meds, increasing activity and looking at how I manage stress. she is looking after quite a few youngish women who have had heart attacks brought on by stress, I am certainly not the only one.  I would like to meet others in a similar position or perhaps a bit further on in their recovery.

There is a 12 week exercise on prescription programme I can be referred to after that which combines going to the gym with Slimming World membership, it is at Selby Leisure Centre which may be tricky for me to manage with work, kids etc. I need to think about how I can make exercise part of my life and put together a suitable routine for the future.  Apparently occupational health at work should be able to support me with that.

So tons to read, tons to think about and plan, so that I can develop a healthier way of living where I don't stress so much and hopefully enjoy life a whole lot more.  But the plan and fully fledged programme I was expecting hasn't quite happened.

In other news, Elsa is home minus the cone of shame and the tube in her nose, boy is she one happy cat. Her sister still doesn't recognise her so she is in a right grump. You would never know Elsa had had an accident to look at her - I took the photo of her earlier. Oh and I voted to stay part of the EU.

Out and about and giddy as a kipper!

So today's excitement was:  I WENT OUT OF THE HOUSE TO A TOWN AND HAD A WALK AROUND!!! 

OK... so I'm a bit giddy about this new found freedom, which while fairly short, was an exciting development!  

It really isn't that exciting, but when you've been largely cooped up in the house for 6 weeks (the few weeks prior to the heart attack I was recovering from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome surgery), believe me it  definitely classes as exciting!

So what did I do?  I took M to the dentist - he's been complaining of a sore mouth for a few days - it hadn't gone away and the inside of his mouth looked quite red, so I got a friend to take us.  The traffic in Selby was good so we were 1/2 hour early so had a bit of time to wander before the appointment.  So bought a new supply of gossip magazines to read (a guilty pleasure of mine), some Rennies so that I had something if I had indigestion again, and a kit kat.  M's dentist says he has a gum infection where he had a filling recently, so he has a course of antibiotics to take.  I feel a bit guilty that I made him wait to go, but I thought it might have been something from eating and would heal up on its own.  

So some positives from today:

1) I went out and escaped the village!

2) I spent time with 2 lovely friends from the village

3) Elsa the cat is coming home tonight

4) I've not had a nanna nap at all today and feel fine.

Tomorrow is (cardiac) rehab day - Amy Winehouse came on the radio earlier and it felt like my song!!  Although I must emphasise that unlike poor Amy, I won't be saying no, no, no.  I am looking forward to learning more about managing this condition and finding my new normal.   If they can teach me how to manage the stress in my life, even better!

Indigestion or Heart Trouble

Ohhh tonight has been tough.

I have spent several hours stressing over some twinges that started earlier in the low chest/upper abdomen area.  It felt like heartburn, I had some acid reflux, but what if I was wrong. Had lots of internal debates trying to sort my head out over this one. Should I try out the GTN spray in case I am wrong?  I can't take any of the indigestion remedies in the house because of the cocktail of meds I am already on, and I have no simple Rennies or gaviscon in the house. Aaarghh.

After enduring that, kids playing up and in-laws visiting, including crazy mother in law who thought the belt on her coat was alive (I kid you not, this is what dementia can do), I think I am about done for. S came up with the genius idea of getting me to drink a glass of milk - I hate drinking milk but it was definitely worth the try.  So with that helping to settle things down, my BP readings being good (117/66 get me!) and nice slow pulse, I am finally feeling a bit more chilled.  Sitting in bed helps too, kids are asleep now, S is watching TV downstairs so peace and quiet for me.

Oh and thank you Marks and Spencers Salmon sliders for the indigestion. Not eating those again...

Now what.

Today is the first day that I'm feeling properly bored.  A good sign as it means I must be feeling better.  There is loads that I could be doing, but most of it I'm not allowed to do because it involves reaching for things, or lifting things I'm not allowed to lift etc.   The tonsillitis is now loads better, so I am almost feeling human again.

I may set myself a challenge this afternoon - I got a Lego Ghostbusters car for my birthday and as yet I haven't built it.  That might be my afternoon sorted.  I think S would be quite proud of me for that one.   And I need to get walking as I've not been anywhere yet today.  I am starting to enjoy lying in bed in the morning after the madness of the school run, which is a habit I really must get out of.  Last night I couldn't get to sleep before 1am because I wasn't tired.  I have to say this was some cause for celebration - a month or so ago the idea of me not being tired was a mere flight of fancy.  Something is heading in the right direction.  I think I was quite unwell before the heart attack given the energy levels I'm now feeling.  Yes I'm not doing that much, but I don't feel completely sluggish and wiped out like I did pretty much all the time before.

We might get our Elsa cat back from the vets later today if she manages to eat.  She is making fab progress.  It is interesting how intuitive cats are about illness and things - Ossie (Elsa's sister) has been so close to me since I've been off post heart attack.  If I'm lying in bed then she is either on the bed with me, or lying on the floor nearby.  Most unlike her to be honest - she's usually more M's cat, and only comes to me for food.  But cats just seem to know.  She is clearly missing Elsa, although I wonder if they will be greeting each other with a purr or a hiss when Elsa gets home.  Sometimes when cats have been at the vets for a while, when they come home they don't recognise the other cat at first, so you have to introduce them back to each other carefully.  

This is  Ossie in her favourite basket, which she is hardly using at the moment, because she is choosing to sleep with me.  

Heart wise - things seem ok.  I've had no twinges or anything.  My only slight concern is my blood pressure and how low it is going which potentially is a good concern.  I have a home bp monitor and I took my bp at 94/64 yesterday at rest and 114/70 a bit later after I'd been up and doing something.  They are supposed to be increasing the dose of my bp lowering drugs, so I'm a little worried.  I felt a bit faint yesterday which is why I took my bp, and I don't think it needs lowering any more!  I'm seeing the doc on Friday so lets see what they say.  Wondering if I'm reading too much into things, but it is in my nature to be analytical.

So what is normal anyway?

Normal.  I just want to get back to normal.  I can hear myself say it, but actually, what is normal?
Do I want to go back there?  Is 'normal' what I aspire to?  I think having spent so much time recently in my bed with plenty of time for thinking and reflecting on things, I am wondering what actually it is that I am aiming for.

If 'normal' has caused me to have a heart attack, then I definitely don't want to be going back there.
If 'normal' is being so busy that I don't have time to think or look after myself, I don't think I should be going back there either.
If 'normal' means I don't have time for my friends (which I didn't) I don't want to go back there.
If 'normal' means I've got no energy to play with my kids, then I don't want to go back there.
If 'normal' means I'm so unfit and overweight I can't run 50 yards without feeling like I'm going to expire, I don't want to go back there.  I'm hoping that if I do what I'm told by the cardiac rehabilitation people that I'll be able to get myself fitter than I was before this happened.  It wouldn't take much to be honest.  I've lost around 10lbs in weight since the heart attack as my appetite isn't that great and I'm too scared to eat anything naughty!

So I'm coming to the realisation that I'm not trying to get back to normal at all.  I'm searching for a new version of normal which is a lot more fun than the old version.  I might do normal things, but going back to  what I was doing before would be a really stupid idea.  I knew I was struggling, before it came to this, I just didn't know what to do about it.  If the truth be told I still don't know what to do about it.   But one thing I do know is that things have got to change, and I'm going to need strength and tenacity to make those changes happen.

So trying to make sense of what put me in this position in the first place - it isn't hard to see why I was stressed:

Mum in specialist care home with advanced dementia after becoming violent being sectioned and spending 9 months in hospital. She is currently in a state you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.
Dad had heart attack Sept 2015 - doing ok but he stresses me at times although he doesn't mean to.
I have no siblings so nobody to share the load with or talk to.
Mum in law with advanced dementia living around the corner with father in law who is 24/7 carer and struggling like hell.  I was doing all the arranging of carers, getting social services in etc. It is more complicated than it sounds.
2 boys aged 8 and 6
Full time job (which I love) but still trying to juggle with school runs and things
No support from family with kids whatsoever - only childcare we can get is what we pay for.
Kids don't have a quick/easy bedtime routine and don't routinely do any chores


What is more difficult is to work out what gives.  Or is it all about organisation, working out a schedule and better planning.  I'm guilty of doing most of that in my head and last minute, and I'm always in a rush.

Also difficult to work out is what do I want?  There are many things I can't change - OK  of course I'd like my mum and mum-in-law to be well but that isn't going to happen.  In some ways I'd be relieved if either of them passed on simply because they have no quality of life as things stand, as the dementia is so severe now it really affects everything.  My mum can't walk, talk, feed herself, she shouts and can be angry and physically aggressive, she has fits, is doubly incontinent, has a broken hip that they can't fix.  What kind of life is that?  My mum-in-law is not as bad, but is very anxious and losing weight at an alarming rate - just over 6 stone at the last weigh in, but she won't eat and you can't really force it.    I think also the impact on carers and family can't be underestimated and it is stressful seeing/knowing that both of them are so ill.   I'd like my dad to stop stressing me out - his first response to my heart attack was 'what are you trying to do to me?', and then he started laying the law down about what I had to do - get fit, lose weight etc.  I do know that, and don't need pressure from him.  I'd also like the boys to help out a bit more, but they are only 8 and 6.

But really, what do I want - I love my job, but full time is hard going with everything else that I need to fit in.  It gives me the chance to work with great people, inspire students (hopefully) and it gives me intellectual challenge.

I basically want to be healthy, happy, loved, fit, and fun.  Oh and a bit of wealth wouldnt go amiss. 't the moment I think I am loved by my closest ones, but I've neglected my friends and I'm none of the other 4.  Definitely unhealthy, unhappy mainly because of that, unfit, and definitely not having much fun.  Money wise we are ok, but could do better.

SO back to normal aint gonna happen.  What I need is to find a new normal that makes me happy, healthy, loved, fit and fun.  Next step is putting it all together. Help.

Stop Press: Heart Attack patients get ill just like normal people!

Well, I knew I had a sore throat... just assumed it was what J had had earlier in the week that he shook off in a couple of days.  But no, it turned into a full-on bout of bacterial tonsillitis.  But... what happens when you get tonsillitis and you've recently had a heart attack?  That was the thought going through my mind as I was contemplating raising my head above the parapet and risking a call to 111. I knew my blood pressure was up, my heart rate was up and my temperature was up - 38.8 - scorchio!
So,  was there anything special I needed to do because of the recent heart attack?

Dialled 111 and got someone sensible for a change - well apart from the compulsory Ebola questions which make no sense when you've just told the call handler why you are calling.  Actually I think I'd have mentioned it if I was confused, bleeding and had been to West Africa since my heart attack.  Don't get me wrong, I kind of get why they ask the questions, but in context they do seem rather ridiculous.

Anyway, I got given an appointment with the out of hours doctor within an hour. Saw him and he confirmed that no question this was a bacterial tonsillitis and I needed antibiotics.  Just another 8 penicillin pills a day to pop on top of the already large collection.  I explained about the heart attack, and that I had been worrying about it affecting my recovery.  He just said, you had all these things before the heart attack and you'll still get things from time to time afterwards, and it is no different to before.  I just can't take nurofen and I've got to be a bit careful to make sure that people know what meds I'm on before they prescribe anything.  Simple.  In my head I was definitely overcomplicating things.  Not sure if that is normal, but in my mind the doctor was going to want me to go back into hospital on iv antibiotics while they monitored my heart.  But no, tonsillitis is still just tonsillitis - heart patient or not.  Yes it speeds up your heart rate and your bp if you have a temperature but this is normal.  Lesson learned perhaps.  I think it is going to take me a while to feel 'normal' again and not worry about every little thing going on with my body.  I did feel vindicated though as I definitely needed the urgent docs appointment.   24 hours on and my throat still hurts like hell but I don't feel quite as unwell and my temperature is down a bit.

So, heart attack victims get poorly like normal people and thats ok.  Note to self for next time.

In other news... our Elsa cat is doing well.  The vets seem to have fallen in love with her a little - she is a lovely temperament, and has been purring at anyone who strokes or brushes her.  She's got a feeding tube in her nose because of her jaw injury and so the purr is really snuffly.  We have visited her every day over the weekend for cuddles and she is progressing each day.  The vets have been amazing, and we are incredibly grateful for what they have done.  We are also pretty amazed that Elsa has managed to have an argument with a car and survived more or less intact.  They now think that her jaw may sort itself out and she might not need an operation to fix it.   I am not sure quite how many of her 9 lives she used up there but quite a few I should think.  She might not be able to see quite as well out of her left eye after the accident, but that is a much better outcome than I was expecting.

The boys are bored.  Really bored.  How do I know this - the bickering level in this house is absolutely soaring.  Mummy is ill which is boring, daddy is busy being mummy and daddy basically so only managing to do boring stuff.  Hard to explain to them that being ill is boring too, and I'd much rather be doing fun stuff.  I feel guilty about Father's Day - S deserves to be spoilt, and I did make him a cuppa this morning, but that was about my limit.  The boys made cards and bought presents from Friends of School, so S was the proud recipient of a sponge and scraper to clean the car and a pair of socks with footballs on.   I did get him a book that he wanted so he was pleased in the end, but I don't think it was the relaxing day being waited on hand and foot that he was hoping for.

So, my next challenge is next week - Steve will be back to near full time work, so I'll be doing all the school runs and trying to keep the boys entertained whilst simultaneously taking it easy.  They are 8 and 6, how does that work?  I can't drive them anywhere, I can't do much, so I might have to settle for  the TV and iPad as childminders.    Lets hope my blood pressure is up to it!  Mind you if the cat getting run over, car not starting and tonsillitis haven't caused a problem I think it probably will be.

In a weird way I'm learning two things - one that I am still reasonably robust in some ways, and two I can still do quite a bit - even if the things would certainly not have been things I'd choose.

Cars, cats, tonsils and T@ats

Hey diddley dee it's the easy life for me..... Yeah right!

Cat update - Elsa is making good progress and we visited her at the vets yesterday for some much needed cuddles. She looks a bit of a mess with a feeding tube up her nose, a cannula in her right paw and a pretty dishevelled looking face. S says she looks a hundred times better than the day before. The vet rang out his morning and she has had a good night. Hoping to go and see her at 3, but...

Of all the times to get it, I have a nasty case of tonsillitis, temperature of 38.4, big pussy tonsils and feel like crap. Why now? Aargh! I am writing this from my comfy bed whilst trying to shake it off. Hoping I don't need penicillin as a knackered immune system on top of all this would not be a good thing. 

The boys are at PQA which is a performing arts class that they do on a Saturday morning, both love performing andI I hope they will learn some really good confidence building skills there. Next May they get to do a show at a theatre in the West End which is very exciting. I am not a stage school mum and am not a fan of musicals particularly, but it is lovely to see how J  has blossomed since they started going. M is just starting out, but he just beams on a stage and you can see that he totally loves performing. Not in a precocious way, but you can see that he is in his element. I hope PQA get to see that too. I like PQA as the classes are not all geared towards putting on performances, they are geared towards building skills and confidence. 

And the car... The boys were late for PQA this morning because the car wouldn't start. Dead as a door ail. Cue quick call to the AA whilst thanking my lucky stars I took out home start as an extra. The battery had died, it wasn't flat, it was dead. Couldn't hold charge basically so incapable of starting the car. One.new battery and £100 later we are back on the road (or should I say they are).

Finally for today I have a list for you. There seem to be rather a lot of t@ats out there who seem hell bent on spreading violence and hate, and I hope karma hits them where it hurts most. With bells on it.

1. . The lowlife scumbag  responsible for the mass shooting in Orlando

2.  The  lowlife that shot and killed Jo Cox MP, robbing her two kids of a mum and Britain of a fabulous spirited politician

3.  Croatian Russian English and any other  "supporters"blighting Euro 2016 with hooliganism. Deport the lot of them.

4. Terrorists and all who support the hatred they propagate.

5.  Nigel Farage

6 Donald Trump - America please see sense, the guy is a narcissistic power hungry lunatic.

7. Sir Philip Green and those of similar ilk who think it is OK to shaft everyone else for their own gain.

Ok thats enough from me, this is supposed to be a blog about recovering from a heart attack not an outpouring of political sentiment, but of course venting helps. Today I feel sick of being brave, sick of hearing terrible things on the news and sick of all the shite that seems to be splattering me at the moment. 

Oh one last thing actually, and something positive -Welcome Home from Space Tim Peake! Such an inspiration.

Keep stress levels to a minimum, they said.....

A few days since my last post, and things had been ticking over and generally going ok in terms of my recovery, I'm building up speed and a bit of distance on the walking.  J had his 6th birthday on Wednesday, and although I felt a bit ropey in the afternoon we got out to the designer outlet and had something to eat, followed by minion cake at home afterwards.  One of those supermarket bought cakes that looked amazing, but tasted rank!  J enjoyed eating minion butt though (boys!).

Then came Thursday.  All was going fine until a ring at the doorbell.  Our cat Elsa had been hit by a car.  So, blood pressure to the test.  Steve rushed her to the vets, I rang ahead to let them know she was on her way and stayed at home with the boys.  The person that hit her was completely devastated, and I know it was a complete accident, but what timing....  BP went up to 165/97 so I thought a call to the doctor was in order.  She said as long as it comes down later it was ok.  Thankfully it did, so my ticker survived the sternest of tests - given that I'm supposed to avoid stress at the moment, and couldn't even watch the England Euro 2016 match against Wales, this was a big one.  

Poor Elsa is at the vets nursing a badly damaged eye and possibly a broken jaw.  She is doing well they have said, and will have x-rays later today to see what the damage is.  The vet says she has lost her sight in her injured eye and will most likely lose the eye.  So we will have a beautiful pirate cat if she makes it through.  She is still not out of the woods and we don't fully know the extent of her injuries yet, although the signs are positive.  Positive is one thing that I am not feeling at the moment.

So, how am I feeling - lets try negative, defeated, beaten, depressed, devastated.  I am so sick of crappy things happening to me and my family.  I am feeling bitter about the heart attack - why me, ok so I wasn't a paragon of virtue in the lifestyle department as I've said, and I've had a huge amount of sustained stress in my life, but there are people far worse than me out there that don't have heart attacks.  I've got 2 young kids who need their mum healthy, a husband who is out of his mind with worry and dragged from pillar to post at the moment trying to sort everything out,  and a badly injured cat.  (not forgetting the mum and mum in law with advanced dementia, dad with attitude that had a heart attack himself last September, father in law stressed to hell looking after mother in law). I am starting to wonder if I was really bad in a past life to deserve all this shit in my current one.

All of this makes me wonder how religious people can possibly consider that there is a benevolent God out there when all this happens.  And then you look at all the horrors in the news - the senseless murder of Jo Cox MP yesterday, the mass shooting in Orlando last week, the toddler snatched by an alligator and killed in Orlando, Syria, etc etc.   If there is a God, s/he really needs a massive bollocking.  I'm with Stephen Fry on that one.  If you haven't seen it try and find the clip of Stephen Fry talking to an Irish TV presenter about God.  Spot on.

I guess I've got to ride the storm of self pity and perhaps I'll emerge out of it soon.  In the meantime, bear with me.  And I'll try and keep the stress levels down, and would appreciate it if life would stop throwing shit at me.

Stress and how (not) to deal with it.

Not such a great day today - got a terrible night's sleep courtesy of youngest son - he's got a sore throat and was really restless overnight.   Felt fine this morning, not tired at all, but feeling a bit out of sorts this afternoon and evening.  Not helped by a couple of twinges that sent me into panic mode.  I couldn't tell you if they were heart related, or anything to worry about, but the second I sense something I feel a flush of stress hormones going through my body as I panic in case it is happening again.  So far so good, but the psychological impact of this is really kicking in, and is probably worse than what I am going through physically.  Hopefully a good night's sleep tonight will sort me out.

I'm also feeling very hard done by - was watching a programme about a guy about my age who weighed in at 448 pounds and changed his life by losing loads of weight and getting fit - why is he ok, while I have a heart attack?  I know I've not been a paragon of virtue in the lifestyle department but why me?  And why is all this shite happening to MY family.  

I may have mentioned earlier in the blog that the doctors have said that the primary cause of this heart attack is most likely stress, with a bit of a contribution from a poor diet, overweight and lack of exercise.  

So... stress:  At the moment both my mum and my hubby's mum are in advanced stages of dementia.  Dementia is just the worst thing.  People don't realise what this condition can do to people unless they have lived through a family member suffering it.  My mum has a weird form ("atypical" - i.e. they don't really know what sort it is as it doesn't fit any particular profile)  that has led to some very violent behaviour.  

My mum's situation is just appalling, your worst nightmare.  She is only 68 years old. She is in a specialist care home for people with dementia with very challenging behaviour. In 2012 she was sectioned because she was a danger to herself and others, and spent 9 months on a hospital ward for people with early onset dementia before moving to the care home.  She now can't walk, talk, feed herself, she has fits, she is doubly incontinent.  She has a broken hip that they think was caused by a fit, and there is nothing they can do for it other than give her morphine and wait for it to heal.  Zero quality of life.  She has been in hospital 4-5 times since Easter.  She is 3 hours drive/train journey from us, doesn't know me anyway and it is pot luck whether she is pleasant to me, or aggressive when I do go and visit.   Over the years I've had to deal with all of the worry and trying to deal with my dad, who has struggled so much to come to terms with things.  It has been tougher than tough.

My mother in law lives round the corner and although she isn't as severe as my mum, she requires constant attention and my poor father in law is at his wits end.  I'm honestly not sure who the dementia will kill off first, him or her to be honest, as the caring responsibility is his whole life at the moment.   She is such hard work, and now I'm not in a position to offer any support. 

My dad had his own heart attack in September 2015 and had a stent fitted.  He's doing well but again it was stressful.  It happened on the first day of the new university term.  He's been stressed out looking after mum, and still goes to see her every couple of days.  He's also in a relationship, and that, from a daughter's perspective feels very odd.  I'm glad that he has got someone to support him, but it is a weird state of affairs.  I wish I had a brother or sister in all of this, but I'm an only brat!

On top of all that I have my gorgeous boys, who are the most amazing thing in my life, I love them so much, but with an 8 and 5 year old comes hard work.  And then I have my full-time job.  I'm a lecturer in linguistics - I love my job, and work with just the best group of colleagues.  

So I'm a busy girl, and have a lot on my plate.  I have put looking after myself at the bottom of the priority list given everything going on - no time for exercise, eat whatever I can grab, etc etc.  Hence the stress and perhaps the coronary.  I knew before this that I was stressed and had too much going on, but none of the stress is from things that can just go away.  Admittedly I'm not dealing with things directly while I recover but it is hard just to switch off completely from it.  It does help that I have a boundary now - I CANT help, and I think people understand that they need to back off.   I need to learn that the best way to deal with stress is NOT to put it in a box and stamp all over the emotions that go with it.  Trouble is I don't really know how else to do it.   

So that is my stress in a fairly large nutshell.  Oh and my youngest son is feeling ill with a sore throat, and they think my mother in law has a urine infection (that will be making her dementia worse probably).  Sometimes, I wish that things could just stop for a while to give me chance to recover and regroup.  Also, and this may sound awful, I dream of a future life without dementia in it.  It never goes away, and it hurts like hell to know how much the people I love are suffering.  You wouldn't let an animal go through it, so why is it ok for our mums?  I guess that is another debate entirely but if I had the dementia diagnosis I'd be booking a one way ticket to Switzerland.  

Perhaps tomorrow's post will be more cheery, but it helps to get this stuff out.  Yes I can be strong, and at the hospital one of the nurses said to me that I must be a bloody strong woman if my body gave out before my mind.  Therein lies a story, and a coronary.....  

Party Party Party

Today was a good day, and at times I felt a teensy bit normal. It was my youngest son's 6th birthday party today . Thankfully rather than the madness of a self-catered party in the local village hall, we had decided before all this happened that we would have his party at the local Build-a-Bear workshop followed by lunch at his favourite restaurant, Wagamamas.  I had permission from the Cardiac Rehab lady to go to the party and it was lovely to see his friends and some of my mummy friends and have a much needed chin wag. Everyone is still very shocked by what happened, and it was nice that a few of the mums said how well I looked. I think people think that you develop green horns or something after something like this happens, but actually I look no different to before.

What was also extra nice was seeing my office mate and her wife in the Build-a-Bear shop. It was nice to catch up and for her to see that I am basically ok, just taking it easy.  Exciting times for them as they are preparing to adopt, such a life changing event.

The party went well and the food at Wagamamas was, as ever, lovely. More importantly it was healthy and heart friendly. I had teriyaki chicken donburi and ate relatively well. My appetite is coming back a little but because of the effect of the meds my tummy is fragile and I sometimes feel like I don't know what to eat. I was really chuffed to have been out of the house for a few hours with no ill effects. The only difference between me and the other mums was that I had to sit down a lot, but actually that has more to do with the side effects of the meds than my heart. I was surprised how few of them had eaten at Wagamamas before, it almost felt like I was educating people! Nice to have the kids eating healthy-ish food at a party, I say ish as I can't really claim that ice cream with chocolate sauce is a fine example of healthy eating.

Which brings me on to the subject of medication. Lots of it, all at once and it makes you feels weird attimes. I am now on aspirin, a statin, a beta blocker, an ace inhibitor, an anti platelet agent, plus my usual thyroxine. I have an autoimmune thyroid condition which I take thyroxine for, not a problem as long as the dose is right.  The new meds are giving me the  squits and also I feel a bit faint and clammy sometimes, notably an hour or two after I take stuff.  I guess you can't make drastic changes like this without some reaction but it is quite nerve jangling as you try to work out what sensations are heart related, what are meds related etc etc.

But today has been a good, almost great day. The party went well, I coped well, I walked to the post box and back on my own, a bit faster than before. So... Progress. Baby steps I know but it all helps.

Ups and Downs

This recovery lark is a flipping roller coaster.  Every twinge, every odd sensation brings on a feeling of mild terror... Is it happening again, am I ok. Apparently it is normal for patients to feel a bit left high and dry after being discharged from hospital, after all there are no nice nurses to listen and calm you down, no reassuring beeps from equipment telling you that your heart is doing what hearts are supposed to do.

Today I have felt it as I have had a tummy upset, probably the meds, but I haven't felt well. IT improved as the day progressed so I am a touch better tonight, but I feel a sense of grief inside, for the health I once had, will I ever feel normal again?  I did a circuit of the duck pond tonight, that felt good, and tomorrow I have my son's birthday party to contend with. I hope I am up to 12 kids building bears, am quite looking forward to Wagamamas after.

Sorry to sound so maudlin, but it is quite a thing to come to terms with.

ON a slightly less maudlin note, England are playing Russia in Euro 2016, and I am hiding upstairs because my blood pressure can't take it! Memo to self: only watch matches I don't really care about - I was ok with the Wales match, but need to avoid England matches, and I guess no watching Brits play at Wimbledon... Andy Murray games are never calming at the best of times...

Heart attack? Me? Really? WTAF?

Well, I guess I'd better explain how I ended up in this mess to begin with.

I'm 46, overweight, bit unfit, mum of 2 boys, busy busy... and people would probably agree I have a lot of stress in my life.  However, I was not prepared for the events of last Saturday.    3 weeks ago I had surgery on my left hand for carpal tunnel syndrome (another of the joys of aging/thyroid problems) and when I developed aches in my upper left arm I naturally assumed that this was something to do with it.  However on Saturday the aching was unbearable - in my mind I was having some weird complication from the surgery but the sensation in my arm was unbearable and I felt rubbish.

So as you do, I called 111, answered all the questions as accurately as I could and was told someone would call me back within 2 hours.  However as it bloody hurt and I am a bit of a wuss, I told my hubby that I couldn't wait and I needed to go to hospital to get it checked out.  So we got everything together, told the kids and got them into the car and off we went, for a quick checkup... or so I thought.

Fast forward a few hours and I'm wired up to an ECG in A&E, having had several pints of blood taken from me to test for practically everything.  As it was going to take a while for the blood test results to come back Steve and the boys went home, and waited for me to call them when I needed picking up.

An hour or so later the doctor came in to tell me the results - I had elevated levels of something called Troponin, which indicates that I have had some sort of cardiac event - probably a small heart attack.   I was being transferred to the Coronary Care Unit when a bed was available, and needed to go on some serious medication.  Run that by me again?  Heart Attack?  CCU?  Drugs?  It didn't seem real to be honest, but I rang Steve to tell him the news, and by this time was a teary mess.

The teary mess theme continued for most of the night.  I'm not one of life's teary people - in fact I hardly ever cry, but I think most of the nurses that looked after me had to supply tissues.   So at 4am I got wheeled to CCU, and wired up for further investigation.  After a battery of pills, not much sleep, more tears etc etc I saw my cardiologist - he explained that I needed to have some tests to work out what had caused this to happen, but that on the scale of it, it was a small heart attack, and I should make a good recovery.  The nurses on the ward were amazing, and I will always be grateful to them for the support and comfort they gave me while I was there.  There was a male nurse called Glenn who just knew exactly how to talk to me, explain things and calm me down - I wish I could bottle that and have it at home on tap!

I think the words heart attack always conjure up a range of thoughts, and they were all in my head over the next few days - will I see my kids grow up, will I be able to live a normal life, will I be able to go back to work, will people look after me.  The only decision I've felt able to make is that I'm going to do exactly as I'm told for once.